According to the AFP, Queen Elizabeth will be watching her pennies and pound notes vigorously in 2009 because of the weak economy and credit crunch gripping the UK. She has always been a bit of a tightwad; I’m guessing some of that World War II mentality of making do has never left her. I’ve read that she insists on 40-watt bulbs in palace lamps and eats meals out of Tupperware. And we all know that the richest people on earth — the Queen being one of them — are usually not the ones out on shopping sprees.
I was trying to imagine something this morning. What if the Daily Mail or some British women’s mag were able to sit the Queen down and get her to share her top 10 frugal tips for surviving 2009? What would they look like?
#10: Nix that gym membership. “Walking the corgis is a more pleasant cardiovascular endeavor, especially when you have the acreage I have,” the Queen says. “I also ask my family to walk to church on Christmas morning. I do take the Rolls myself, but insist that Phillip and Sophie carpool with me.”
#9: Never drive the car when you can ride a horse. “My daughter Anne and her daughter Zara have taken this advice to heart,” the Queen says, pride evident in her voice. “The Range Rover burns too much petrol, don’t you think? And the Royal Footmen are such dears at picking up all the manure for our gardens.”
#8: Carriage-pool. “You’ll never see a Royal carriage half-full on my birthday or during a state visit,” the Queen insists. “We pack as many will fit comfortably in there.” Don’t like your carriage buddies? “That can be a problem,” the Queen admits. “I’ve had to share a carriage with some American presidents, Tony Blair, and that Sarkozy character — dreadful people, really — so I just turn to the crowds and wave. It takes my mind off the whole ordeal.”
#7: Live off the land. “My backyard is filled with deer, pheasant — all sorts of delicious game birds — and my son keeps a spectacular garden at his place. He’s always coming over here with organic this-and-that, including these yummy-scrummy chocolate butterscotch biscuits. There’s really no need to waste money eating out, unless you’re invited to someone else’s state banquet. Isn’t there some saying about giving a man a fish? We gave our children guns and taught them to hunt. Saved us a bloody fortune, it has.”
#6: Reach for water instead of a cocktail. “My mother always liked a drink, sometimes ten. I read about my grandchildren spending thousands of pounds at Mahiki and Whisky Mist. It’s enormously frustrating to me because a refreshing glass of icy cold Scottish spring water is far less expensive and much better for you. Look at how my skin glows; I’m pushing 90! Plus there’s enormous markup on alcohol at clubs.” She shakes her head in dismay. “It’s appalling.”
#5: Use found objects for millinery. The Queen smiles slyly whilst admitting this penny-pinching trick. “My newest daughter-in-law often does this. No need to spend a fortune at Phillip Treacy on some fascinator you’ll never wear again when you can pin a little frou-frou you found in a spare closet at Birkhall on your head.”
#4: Make your motto Recycle, Repair, Reuse. “When Windsor burned in ‘92, you’ll notice we didn’t tear it all down and start from scratch, which is what that Posh Spice would have done,” the Queen says with a regal sniff.
#3: Get free invites to movie premieres and theatre openings. “I’ve seen Quantum of Solace — all the Bond films, oh that Sean Connery is a devil — Harry Potter, and Calendar Girls, all for free,” the Queen says. When asked if she was able to meet Helen Mirren, a stony expression settles across Her Majesty’s face. “Next question, please.”
#2: Marry beneath yourself. “History has shown me that the best marriages are those made with the middle-class girls. Those aristocratic matches have been pricey affairs for me.” She leans forward conspiratorially and whispers, “I’m so hoping William does right by Kate.”
#1: Never buy when you can borrow. “Most of my homes, my jewels, and even the silver I eat from — I don’t actually own them. The state does! It really makes life so much easier.”